The Dream Log

so before i write this, i’m just going to say that i am NOT suicidal at all.

i wasn’t even really suicidal in the dream. like, i wanted to kill myself, not because i was depressed, i just wanted to see what it was like to be dead. i was considering it, i wasn’t even sure if i was going to. i had a pistol and a bullet, and i put the bullet in the gun while i was thinking about it. then i realized that my brother was standing there, so i just tried to act like it was totally normal for me to be standing there holding a gun. some other stuff happened, i don’t remember what.. the next thing i remember is being in my house and hearing a girl scream. i open the door to my garage, i see my mom’s car in the driveway. there’s a girl in the trunk with long brown hair (she was a relative of mine in the dream), she was the one that was screaming. and my brother was sitting in the driver’s seat totally calm. the car was on fire.

i ran to the trunk, opened it, and helped the girl out. then i ran to the driver’s side, pulled my brother out, and managed to put the fire out by hitting it with my hands. i turned to my brother and screamed “what were you doing?!?”

“i didn’t want you to die.”

but you almost killed yourself and that other girl!”

“i had to destroy the gun. i didn’t want you to die.”

i woke up after that. i guess the gun was in the car, too. i was trying to figure out what it means, dreams like that don’t just not have a meaning. but i can’t imagine what…